The father’s place in the family
A profound change
The father’s role during pregnancy
The father’s role during childbirth
After the birth…
After the birth…
The return home is yet another important transition.
The couple’s organisation is seriously upset. Very quickly tiredness becomes part of the family…
Here the father has an important role to play. He can allow the mother to breathe from time to time, to step back from it all.
The lack of sleep tends to amplify all the difficulties, even the smallest ones because it limits being able to distance oneself from it all and the meaning one could give to these moments.
Generally the mother needs a lot of rest. Hence it is up to the father to look after the rest… But fortunately, each day is enlightened with a look, a hand catching hold of one’s finger and soon, a smile, then a laugh.
There are long conversations with the one who occupies nearly all the space. There he goes - he’s playing at grabbing the toys placed in front of him. The new skills the baby has acquired are really quite incredible. Every moment spent watching him is an intense pleasure which gives full meaning to all the efforts of adaption that he requires.
Indeed the father can benefit from his paternity leave to spend time at home. Recent observations tend to show that if the child is looked after by both of his parents alternatively it will be easier for him later on to accept the inevitable separations such as the day nursery, the nanny, school, etc.
Taking care of the newborn is a delicate matter for the father. Without being a substitute for the mother, he must accept to leave his male virility that is expected of a man, to one side, with sometimes getting the impression of playing the woman’s role.
We talk very often about feminisation of the father when he takes care of the infant. The absence of male references sometimes leaves the father without bearings. It may also be up to the mother to help the father occupy a place that is satisfactory for both of them. Sometimes it takes time and perseverance. Lack of skills should not suffice in discouraging the father…or the mother. With a minimum of time and willpower, you can learn anything: preparing the bottle, changing nappies, bathing baby, etc.
Together, the parents change the way they represent themselves and their habits to make a place for the child. These experiences reactivate more or less consciously one’s own past experiences.
It is not unusual for the relationship with one’s own parents to be affected by it. All these changes are an opportunity to progress but they can be accompanied by anxiety. Dialogue and reciprocated attention are certainly the couple’s best assets for serenely facing this stage.
Studies have shown that the father has a tendency to give the child more stimulation, place him more often in a new situation, destabilise him in inviting him to explore his environment. The father is also more demanding with regard to the child’s progress. Through these particularities, the father incites opening out to the world and taking risks whereas in an equivalent situation the mother is often more protective and reassuring. She helps with the child’s development and self-confidence.
We are accustomed to placing the father in a position of “separating third party”. More often than not the father assumes this function in a passive or even unconscious way. The child notices that his mother desires someone else other than him and shares an intimacy that he does not normally have access to. This acknowledgement thus helps the child put an end to the illusion that he has an exclusive relationship with his mother.
Article written by Christophe Pénicaut, clinical psychologist and a graduate of École de Psychologues Praticiens de Paris (Paris School of Practising Psychologists).
He holds the post of consultant-psychotherapist with children and adolescents in a Medico-psycho-pedagogical Centre (CMPP) in Paris.
He wrote his thesis on the topic of fatherhood by comparing two generations of fathers in relation to their children and their spouses.